Jealousy

Just like with anger-management, there should be a jealousy management class.

The title of that class would be: how to be happy.

That’s how important I think jealousy is.

What is jealousy

Some anthropologists have described humans as fiercly egalitarian. Imagine a situation where there is limited food and one person is eating important stores or an unfair amount of pizza. That rage, that fierce egalitarianism, is the root of jealousy.

With regards to food, it is a very constructive emotion. Jealousy in that instance is about fairness and about defending our most basic needs.

And as social animals, we need love just as much as we need food. However, it has a very different meaning when applied to monogamy.

Monogamy as a misery pact

I think monogamy is great and it’s a tradition I support. However, some people understand monogamy as a misery pact. Now that might seem like an extreme argument but, in fact, in some circumstances it is the very existence of jealousy that demonstrates the existence of a misery pact.

According to this misunderstanding of monogamy as a misery pact, two people have pledged to be together, no matter how miserable it makes them. That misunderstanding is the first condition. The second condition is that one partner has feelings for someone else, or perhaps even has fun or, worse, sex, with another person.

Just to be clear, I’m not talking about situations where a trusted partner is lying or sleeping around without permission in one’s workplace or with family or close friends. That is betrayal. Jealousy is appropriate here because the partner has violated trust and invaded one’s territory without permission. That is unfair and threatening.

However, in a case where a partner is having fun without invading one’s territory or betraying one’s trust, jealousy in this case is a reaction to a violation of the misery pact. The jealousy says: that’s unfair. That primal instinct kicks in. The partner has betrayed trust by feeling love, having fun, sex, and generally being happy in a situation of emotional poverty. One has been respecting the misery pact while the other has been violating it.

Moreover, these situations can be complex: sometimes there is both a betrayal of trust and ethics and also a violation of the misery pact at the same time.

At the end of the day, however, the issue is that love, unlike food, is not a limited resource. Quite the opposite. So long as the partner is behaving ethically, the jealousy is not just misplaced, it is a crucial, life-changing opportunity.

The jealous feeling, however, will tend argue that the partner should prioritize you over the new shiny person. The truth is that the partner, if more excited to do something else, is free to choose and doesn’t owe anyone a single thing they don’t want to give. Any expectation of that nature is exploitative and antithetical to love. Monogamy as an exploitative misery pact is a losing proposition for everyone, and it has nothing to do with the true meaning of marriage’s pledge to be faithful “in sickness and in health”.

The ethical partner should not stop doing things that make him or her happy. Rather the jealous person needs to start being happy.

And that’s why jealousy-management is so critical. Jealousy is actually the alarm bell of loneliness, the desire for more connection and excitement.

The fact is that we live in a modern society that is terribly isolating, which makes issues issues of love even more difficult than they already are.

Jealousy as your opportunity to live a better life

Jealousy may be your invitation to leave the misery pact, stop ruining relationships by pressuring a partner to go against their excitement, and live a better life.

When people experiencing love is what makes you jealous, it is an alarm bell. It can be one of the most positively transformative emotions, if it’s managed well.

There are a few keys to success though:

1. Blaming others for jealous feelings is a dead-end. Other people are not wronging anybody by being ethically happy.
2. Jealousy in this case exposes limiting beliefs.
3. Jealousy in this case is a sign one is not living in abundance. And I’m not saying anyone else is, but it’s important to seek that emotional abundance.
4. That jealousy means that a dream you left for dead is possible.

That’s why I call jealousy the key to happiness.

Practice

• The first key is celebrating the other for living a life you want
• The second key: stop blaming them for doing what you wish you were doing
• Third key: use that alarm bell to wake up to a more fulfilled life that you now know is possible